Published August 11, 2009
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141,258 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Excellent work. I noticed a few things though, mostly nit-picky punctuation details.
After waiting a few minutes to allow me to think, I gasped out,” What did you do to me? Why do I feel this way?”
-Here, you need to move your quotation mark. It should be on What, and not after out.
“Even while unconscious, you struggled against J87. A drug was needed to subdue you’re valiant efforts, which had a 0% chance of success. The nausea and dizziness will pass soon, but you will feel weak for approximately an hour.”
-I thought this was contradictory, which may have been the point. Valient, but 0% chance of success? wouldn't that qualify them as futile, and ultimatately stupid?
Soon, I was able to stand up, but I had to rely on the wall for support. Just feeling weak didn’t quite cover it; I felt like I was going to drop down dead any second.
-Nice alliteration with drop down dead. Also, I would consider using a - instead of ; in this sentence, though that's stylistic and not substantial.
“I don’t know, never knew that she had something on her neck. The names Cole Harven.”
-names needs an apostrophe.
“Jacqueline Birstmor, but you can just call me Jackie,” I said, tilting my head back to rest against the wall and closed my eyes. It felt extremely good, but I was careful not to fall asleep.
-Closed should be closing.
Her names Katherine Hostler.
-names needs an apostrophe.
Can't wait for the next installment!